Living the Dream

My boyfriend and I had dinner last Saturday evening with some great new friends at their house.  A charcuterie board full of crackers, cheese, salami, jams, honey, cashews, macadamia nuts, and pasta toppled with chunky spicy sausage tomato sauce and crispy French bread.  The evening was filled with an endless conversation of joviality, sharing, and happiness.

The trout live in beautiful places.

I had returned from a camping and fishing trip from the Yampa River near Steamboat Springs.  An extraordinary fly fishing retreat catching lots of sizable brown trout. It was a great way to maybe top off a good guiding season.  Last July, I recently resigned as a full-time registered nurse, a decision I finally leapt for after 4 1/2 years of brood, contemplation, and distress.  I have been apprehensive if this decision was wise.  After all, I have been a registered nurse for over 18 years, and it seemed logical that I must satisfy this professional career until I retired.  So many nurses always answered back to me when I asked how they are, they often replied they were "living the dream."  As nurses, are we really living the dream?

During the pandemic, I was one of the few nurses who showed up for work despite the fact so many nurses abandoned ship, called in, or simply were too fearful to work in Covid.  Management called and texted me every day I was off, pleading me to come in and work because there were no nurses.  As hard as it was to say no, I knew I was doing the right thing for myself.  I was suffering internally of a profound depression of anguish and gloom.  One of my roughest days of the pandemic working on the Covid unit was putting down 3 patients to rest.  Gary the night nurse who came in to relieve me ran up to me, and I collapsed with tears.  He just held me until I could try to stop crying.  I'm tearing up typing this as I feel like I am reliving the most challenging part of my nursing career.

I hid the pain and tears at work.

I recalled having a mandatory nursing meeting with management.  I listened intently to their perspective of the pandemic and what else can we do to survive this.  After listening to what they had to say, I rose my hand to tell them what I was going through.  I did not know if any of the other nurses and CNAs were having similar experiences, but I would advocate.  I choked as I tried to speak, and I broke down in tears from the melancholy and mourning of all the patients we were losing.  I cried every night I came home from work.  I lost the passion to get myself out to the rivers to fly fish, only to find myself sitting in my living room with the lights off.  Work provided us profession counseling.  A hospice nurse insisted and demanding I return to the river and fish.  It was utterly everything I had to pack an overnight bag, fly rods, waders/boots, and drive to fish the Yampa River.  To get away where there was no cell service, but myself, the river, and the trout.  I did, and I never felt so much life come back to me.

I made it a consistent habit in returning to the rivers to feel a sense of wellness, life, and happiness again.  I realized, I had to keep fishing to make it through this pandemic.  

Loveland Ski patrol training.

On March 11, 2020, the World Health Organization characterized the outbreak as a pandemic.  I was on the volunteer Loveland Ski Patrol patrolling the mountain on this day.  The very next day, all the ski resorts closed for the season.  The following ski season as with nursing, very few ski patrollers came up to patrol.  I met and always surpassed my required days on the mountain as a ski patroller due to the great shortage.  I rendered a ton of days of myself to assist during this outstretched pandemic. 

The Burnt French Fry coming soon
spring/summer 2025, Discount Flies.

The world underwent from this pandemic as well as the healthcare industry.  We all did our very best.  As a registered nurse, I still felt the battering with how patients and patient's families wretchedly treated healthcare workers.  While I always believed I was making a difference, I found myself tolerating so much remorse from patients and patient's families for things that were beyond my control.  My intentions as a nurse have always been the desire to help.  Unfortunately, nurses who did come in often worked short on top of management placing some of their tasks to lighten up their load.  I worked every weekend since the pandemic, worked major holidays, because nurses wanted to spend it with their families. I understood this wholeheartedly, but when could I have a weekend or holiday off?  

Being a fly fishing guide has been amazing.

A dependable nurse who nevermore called in sick, performed the position to the highest level, and completed all my patient cares, charting, and putting out fires on weekends and holidays before management came back on Mondays.  I pleaded for a holiday rotation and if I could possibly have every other weekend off.  Nurses where I worked were granted weekends off, new hires got every other weekend off.  With the most seniority of all the nurses and nearly 6 months of inquiring gratifyingly for even every weekend off, management stated they would try to get one weekend off a month for me, "but that doesn't seem possible."

I was fishing to stay sane with nursing.

3 seasons ago, I had the pleasure coming onboard as a professional fly fishing guide with Blue Quill Angler.  People respected me more as a fly fishing guide than as a registered nurse.  Go figure.  I have no sorrows parting from a profession I felt like I did not matter.  I craved for my life back and a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction, and happiness.  How does this pertain to dinner with friends the other night?  I don't want to fish because I am trying to survive a demanding profession, but rather that I am passionate and savor what fly fishing is all about.  To fish because I enjoy it.  Not because it is requirement.  Fly fishing is sport and passion I can partake and cherish with family, friends, and clients.

Some incredible friends I have met in fly fishing!

It is true.  I really am living the dream.